Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Voice Mail of Heaven
Too funny not to share.......
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives.
Have you ever wondered what it will be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For Twi press 3
For all other languages, press 4 now
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is very important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received.
Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to;
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3 now.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security or national insurance # followed by the pound sign.
If you received a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3;16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
Planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you, have a heavenly day.
Pass this on if you wish to brighten some one's day.
(This from sis Bola)
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives.
Have you ever wondered what it will be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For Twi press 3
For all other languages, press 4 now
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is very important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received.
Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to;
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3 now.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security or national insurance # followed by the pound sign.
If you received a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3;16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
Planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you, have a heavenly day.
Pass this on if you wish to brighten some one's day.
(This from sis Bola)
Monday, November 17, 2003
Emergency Telephone Numbers
These are more effective than 911 or 112 and 999
When:
You are sad, phone John 14
You have sinned, phone Psalm 51
You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91
People have failed you, phone Psalm 27
It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139
Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11
You are alone and scared, phone Psalm 23
You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19-34
You are hurt and critical, phone 1 Corinthians 13
You wonder about Christianity, phone 2 Corinthians 5:15-18
You feel like an outcast, phone Romans 8:31-39
You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 11:25-30
It feels as if the world is bigger than God, phone Psalm 90
You need Christ like insurance, phone Romans 8:1-30
You are leaving home for a trip, phone Psalm 121
You are praying for yourself, phone Psalm 87
You require courage for a task, phone Joshua 1
Inflation's and investments are hogging your thoughts, phone Mark 10:17-31
You are depressive, phone Psalm 27
When:
You are sad, phone John 14
You have sinned, phone Psalm 51
You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91
People have failed you, phone Psalm 27
It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139
Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11
You are alone and scared, phone Psalm 23
You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19-34
You are hurt and critical, phone 1 Corinthians 13
You wonder about Christianity, phone 2 Corinthians 5:15-18
You feel like an outcast, phone Romans 8:31-39
You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 11:25-30
It feels as if the world is bigger than God, phone Psalm 90
You need Christ like insurance, phone Romans 8:1-30
You are leaving home for a trip, phone Psalm 121
You are praying for yourself, phone Psalm 87
You require courage for a task, phone Joshua 1
Inflation's and investments are hogging your thoughts, phone Mark 10:17-31
You are depressive, phone Psalm 27
Your bank account is empty, phone Psalm 37
You lose faith in mankind, phone Corinthians 13
It looks like people are unfriendly, phone John 15
You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126
You feel the world is small compared to you, phone Psalm 19
You want to carry fruit, phone John 15
Paul's secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17
With big opportunity/discovery, phone Isaiah 55
To get along with other people, phone Romans 12
ALTERNATE NUMBERS
For dealing with fear, call Psalm 3:47
For security, call Psalm 121:3
For assurance, call Mark 8:35
For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18
ALL THESE NUMBERS MAY BE PHONED DIRECTLY.
NO OPERATOR ASSISTANCE IS NECESSARY.
ALL LINES TO HEAVEN ARE AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY.
FEED YOUR FAITH, AND DOUBT WILL STARVE TO DEATH.
(thanks sis Bola)
You lose faith in mankind, phone Corinthians 13
It looks like people are unfriendly, phone John 15
You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126
You feel the world is small compared to you, phone Psalm 19
You want to carry fruit, phone John 15
Paul's secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17
With big opportunity/discovery, phone Isaiah 55
To get along with other people, phone Romans 12
ALTERNATE NUMBERS
For dealing with fear, call Psalm 3:47
For security, call Psalm 121:3
For assurance, call Mark 8:35
For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18
ALL THESE NUMBERS MAY BE PHONED DIRECTLY.
NO OPERATOR ASSISTANCE IS NECESSARY.
ALL LINES TO HEAVEN ARE AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY.
FEED YOUR FAITH, AND DOUBT WILL STARVE TO DEATH.
(thanks sis Bola)
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Hard Times
God is able to make all grace abound to-us wards, even though we are surrounded on every side by tribulations, trials and hardtimes, yet the Lord, the faithfull one is at hand, to see us through, for each of these things are like a training to prepare us for things to come, to make us as better Christians, for Gold is not attractive untill it has passed through the fire, and like a man of God said, "tea is not tea untill it passes through hot water"
Therefore whatever we might be facing, remember: the trial of our faith worketh patience...
and all things work together for good to them that love God...
So keep on trusting and the glorious end and rewards are close at hand.
Prayer
Lord today, we pray for all that are going through hard times in whatever form, that your presence will be there with them, that you will see us through with your strenght. Lord send forth a special encouragement to such in Jesus name, that we might be assured of your love and providence.
Therefore whatever we might be facing, remember: the trial of our faith worketh patience...
and all things work together for good to them that love God...
So keep on trusting and the glorious end and rewards are close at hand.
Prayer
Lord today, we pray for all that are going through hard times in whatever form, that your presence will be there with them, that you will see us through with your strenght. Lord send forth a special encouragement to such in Jesus name, that we might be assured of your love and providence.
